I feel...rubbish...

Why do I feel rubbish?
I don't really have any valid reason for feeling rubbish...

Anyway

• My sister has an eating disorder... it doesnt actually directly affect me, and she's not suicidal, so I should really be thinking this is not so bad, and at least there's no danger of losing her. Although in my world that's probably not that true either... then again all the suicide attempts I've been... close to... have been unsucessful, so maybe I'm not afraid of them enough. I'm naive and think it's not a big deal because everyone fails. It's the bit after that sucks, the heartbreaking bit where you watch them not want to live, and actually wonder if you're being cruel keeping them here.
• Okay...so that's probably the big one...there's also the boyfriend ha ha... I'm far too dependant on him...I guess my expectations are too high, and I want him to fix me. Thats ridiculous of course, and I do know that... but I still feel hurt and abandoned when he doesnt text or want to see me. This is obviously crazy, and makes him want to see me less, so I feel more hurt...and angry actually, and he's just a boy, and it's so stupid. I saw him yesterday, can you believe. The way I'm talking you'd think it had been at least a week, two even. I need him to be there without me asking, and he isn't. He'll probably text me tomorrow at some point, and the day off away from the crazy girlfriend who makes him feel crap about himself will have done him some good...because he does love her really, he thinks, but she's so hard to be around, she just keeps crying. He doesn't understand it.
• Probably, the real reason, is that I'm just bored. I haven't left the houisr today, at all. I'm not actually a sad act. I've been accepted on a uni course, primary ed, because it seems fun, as jobs go...theyre probably mainly fairly rubbish, this one seems not...(I wouldn't want her teaching my kids!)...I also have a job... part time ha ha, in a coffee shop COSTAs, where I actually know how to make the coffee now, took me (Dec, Jan, Feb...) 3 months of floor clearing, and some till serving, now I feel less second class ha ha. I'm a coffee shop snob, if you cant make coffee you're a second class more disposable therefore less important employee! Poor Steve... Anyways... and I do some agency work, I'm doing some tomorrow in Braintree in a nursery. I am CRB checked, but I don't have a copy myself...hopefully they won't send me home, but if they do...well I know the way. So all that, and I volunteer in a school once a week, have some friends, am a completely bat shit crazy girlfriend, WOW addict (okay that one is sad.)...yeah, it all keeps me an acceptable level of busy.

It feels like it's the boyfriend thing though...I feel really hurt, that he hasn't text... it's been a day, and he's made no contact. That's stupid really isn't it... we've been seeing eachother a year and 8 months. I feel like that means I'm entitled to a text a day. Well, it wouldn't actually be asking to much, but its the crazy girlfriend, "you don't care", "do you actually love me?" stuff I attach to it, that means I can't actually ask. See I have brought it up before...text me more, ask to see me etc...but I always cry. It's not a big deal and it won't change.

I AM A CRAZY PERSON.

No, you are not, you are normal. You need to take responsibility for your irrational thoughts, do not blame them on, "the crazy". You need to try harder to stop them in their tracks. It is your responsibility to watch out for your own well being, YOU have to create your own happiness. Leave the poor boy alone.