It's the christmas holidays, so I should be feeling fine really.
My boyfriend is rubbish...
If you could have a profile, a detailed profile, before you started dating, giving you an idea of what it'd be like to be with them, it'd be better. Then you'd know what you were getting yourself into.
My idea of a bestfriend, a real best friend, is someone who is cool with spending their down time with you. I'd be quite happy to spend my do nothing days just pissing about with him, but he'd rather be alone. He'd rather spend the day literally lying in bed doing nothing than hang out with me. And it's not just occasionally... I'm an evening girlfriend as he's too lazy to be up before 5... and getting up before then to hang out with me is just effort, who needs that?
So after two and a half years he wants to be as casual as if it was about 6 months. there is no moving forward...
Sometimes i wish i wasn't with him.
He's lovely sometimes, there for me when he's there. But if he's not there then he's totally not there.
He lives up the road, and he won't come over when i tell him I'm lonely and he's doing nothing. He doesn't want to see me enough to bother getting clean, or to just see me as he is.
And he doesn't understand that when I say I'm lonely I need him to be there...
And now he wont answer my calls. He does this now when he thinks we're going to argue, he just wont answer.
I feel so depressed. I am going to die alone.
I will never have children
I will never be a good teacher
I will never really be a happy person.
I will push away every chance at happiness I ever get. Then I will fade into insignificance like the rest of mediocre humanity, because I will never really amount to anything.
And because of my career choice I will never be able to get any medical help with how depressed I feel, even though I will always suspect, because of my brother and sister, that really I could do with it, and perhaps things would seem easier if i had the right medication.
Perhaps everything would stop seeming like a collosal challenge or a huge big deal.
Anyway done with that huge negative spiralling buisness.
Nathan doesn't have the capacity to be a 'best friend' in the way i would define a best friend.
- someone you can talk to pretty much all the time so long as theyre not busy
- someone who if they find out you are sad will do quite a lot to try to help you if they can.
That's what I'm like for him. I make time for him wherever possible, and given the chance I'd always spend time with him rather than do something else.
BUT he doesn't feel that way about me. He loves me and would like to spend quite a lot of time with me, if he doesn't feel like lying in bed that day.
Sounds shit to me. This is probably just girls in general. We are dependant. Actually I'm being sexist. There's probably plenty of women out there who would read this and think i was kinda pathetic. Euch. An excuse: My life is pretty much in a state of constant turmoil because of my sister.
Two examples from today are: I woke up and could hear what sounded like police walkie talkies. My heart froze as I imagined two policemen in luminous yellow jackets sitting downstairs with my parents getting the details of why my sister was dead. My parents (in my waking nightmare) has decided not to wake me as why tell me this life destroying news earlier. I sound like I'm being ridicoulsly dramatic, but Sarah has said that she feels worse than she did before she took her overdose, that she would kill herself if it wasn't for the fact that mum would probably kill herself if sarah did, and that sometimes she doesn't really remember who she is (and so forgets the reason for not killing herself and is at great risk of doing so if not constantly surpervised. To illustrate this point, she sleeps in my mum's bed with her whilst my dad sleeps in her room. that's gotta be great for their marriage.).
Then after the carol service she went out in the snow early to 'play in the snow'. Basically a code for the fact that this social situation had gotten too much for her and she couldn't emotionally cope with staying in this room. Well probably, it's hard to tell with sarah, but if you assume that you all went somewhere and had a good time you generally find out later it was a pretty traumatic experience for her where the voice in her head ('she') was giving her hell and telling her to jump off buildings or hurt the people around her, so it's best to assume the worst. Then minutes later my mum, dad and i left the service also, basically because we were all too scared to leave her unsupervised. When we got to the carpark we couldn't find her for about a minute, which was scary. We then saw her walking towards this and I gave her a hug and felt like i was going to cry with relief, and I don't normally hug.
So to all the feminist women out there, this may have something to do with the fact that I wish I could depend on my boyfriend to be there for me more and come over when i say I'm feeling lonely.
But he is not the lifeline I'd like him to be, he's just a boy, and I have to find some other way to cope. Smoking helps...
It's liberating, I forget for a while that I'm connected to my family and I'm just some stupid teenager with no real responsibilities for anyone other than myself. Hence the attraction to moving out, tho of course without a giant student loan I can't afford to do this...but I'm still thinking it might be a good idea. Perhaps I will next year, at least to try it. Until then I'll try to make this situation work, and i do have a cushy deal here finacially, and I like my family.
I think my new years resolution should be to never text nathan first. Although perhaps that would be harsh... only text him first very occasionally. Although that's hard to quantify. Eh next year I'll be so busy worrying about my teaching placement I probably won't have time to need him.
I think it might be wrong to run away from your family just because theyre difficult. But then again all birds leave the nest at some point, why not a bit earlier. I could live with em! Nathan wouldn't really like that as he doesn't really like any of my friends but fuck him.