This blog will paint a poor picture of me, as i only write it when feeling crazy, then again no one is recieiving this impression so watev...



So...the last two nights i have cried myself to sleep. it sounds romantic...but it sucks really. At night everything seems darker (ha ha...). So i think things like...sarah won't ever get better... i'm an idiot for going to uni at home...and perhaps part of why was the boyfriend, who seems far away... and i feel panicked and cant quite breathe unless i sob...which was a problem last night as i slept over a friends, but i was quiet ha ha...eventually lay on my back with the tears and made myself just focus on my breathing. slow.



Yes actually writing helps... i probably have no real evidence to suggest the relationship is ending. It nearly did, a while ago. Him giving up...which will be the eventual end I'm quite sure. I saw him Monday (wed now) and we went to the cinema with his mum and brother. Before this i saw him sat and sunday evening for about two hours at a time, and before that not for three or four days. So it feels like i haven't seen a whole lot of him. seeing him every three or more days has become the norm. Which was his decision. He went from "I'd see you every day if I could" to "Need space." So the relationship feels like its going backwards. Backwards relationships are like benjamin button...
Anyway I had in my head that he would probably go out after, not spend the evening with me. This was the plan he'd had in mind...which upset me a ridiculous amount. He figured this out and didnt go out, however i was then convinced that he'd rather be out. This wasn't helped by the fact that he's not a naturally touchy person (with your girlfriend tho?? really is that ever natural?) so we sat for a few hours watching crappy tv with me sitting all closed up...no sulking just genuinly feeling hurt and worried. He didnt really seem to notice, seemed happy with the arrangement and there was no physical contact. No, are you okay...with a touch to show caring. When that came it was angry sounding (then again im a crazy person, so probably it just sounded normal) and then he did seem angry...because the answer, "i think you'd rather be out...I feel like its always me wanting to see you (basically i feel you are slipping away- this not said)" was a stupid answer. What a dumb reason to be upset. Why is it a big deal if I'm going out? good point.

But then I can't shake it. And i havent heard from him since. Each day when I go to bed with no text is for me evidence that he hasnt' thought of me that day, or has but didnt want contact. What else could it be? And each upsets me... the again perhaps it's totally normal not to think of your girlfriend in two days. I don't think so tho. I watch my friends, one is extreme, and has a constant text conversation with her boyfriend... full of affection most, "love you darling, goodnight." the other is my idea of normal. A few texts, a few i love yous.

I get fuck all, then I have nightmares.

Last nights was really disturbing. I cheated on him with some disgusting guy from work. Lke a propers relationship. then i remembered the rules of...being faithful lol. And panicked. Sent a text saying I've made a terrible mistake so I know you won't want me anymore. So I've felt disturbed all day.

He's even said he trusts me now. But he didnt for ages. I'd never done anything to provoke him not trusting me around guys... euch its fucked up.

I feel he doesnt respect me all that much. If i say something he thinks is wrong, he's so fucking condescending and it fucking hurts. his tone...or even words quite often, just say "You idiot." but not in a funny way...in a truly... full of disgust kind of way. And yet he's the one who didnt revise for his alevels...second time around...left it to chance again, head in the sand. I know he did a little, like the week before. Still stupid. Idiotic. I started revising about three months before...and I don't really think I did enough. Then again I'm more academic... and yet he makes me feel like an idiot.

I paint a picture of myself as being slow so that people will feel good about themselves around me and like me...but now they all seem to truly believe it.