Well...haven't written this in a while.

A lot has changed. Not everything but a lot.

I still work at Costas
I'm still going out with my boyfriend and we still argue a lot, and I still worry that he will be a layabout all his life and that in a year or so I will have to end it because he STILL won't have a job or have tried to get one and that aint marriage material! But hopefully not, coz I do love him.

My sister is still crazy, she's been in a shitty mental health hospital for a year who have allowed her to cut off a lot of contact from us, isn't coming home for christmas, is being discharged in a month and they have only unrealistic suggestions for where she is going to go.

So... that hurts. The rejection, the grieving the family that now seems gone for good. We're still a family, but holidays on the boat on the norfolk broad, christmas mornings, birthday dinners, regular dinners...all seem impossible now. All the things that seemed to hold me to the earth... and now I have to put in a lot more effort just holding myself to it. I still have my parents, who are fantastic.

Funnily enough I do live with Em now! Nathan doesn't mind it at all, he doesn't really hate my friends, I was being dramatic I think. They get on all right really. SOmetimes when the three of us hang out it feels a little like when me him and Sarah used to hang out, and it's nice. Not really the same tho.
I live in my parents second house now, which is great. Freedom without the responsibilities. I don't, and couldn't possibly, pay rent or bills. I pay phone bill, which is hard enough to scrape the cash for ha....
I get lonely though. Less so the last month or so actually. I think I'm actually finally getting used to living away from home.

My course seems to be going well. I'm really enjoying my second placement! My mentor is brilliant, and a lot more laid back than the last one I had (which suits me better). I have a three thousand word essay to do by the 10th of January, which I'm sure I'll get done. I also need to plan a unit of science and some other things... but I've given myself a few days off this week, which has been nice.

I've wasted away my time playing facebook games :) which has been awesome! I love wasting a bit of time, it's good for the soul.

Christmas will still be cool i think :). I've got my parents and my brother (who's doing really well now! Seems really happy :)! He got himself into money trouble but my parent's are managing his finances for him to get him out of it (which will take years apparently...) and it seems to be working really well.). We're going up to see Sarah on christmas day, which will probably be really depressing, but isn't the whole day so hopefully won't ruin it!


Also I'm still smoking, more so now. Becoming a bit of a problem actually ha... I'm on four a day. I guess next time I write it'll be 15!

I think I might be single again soon. I'm not sure how well I'll cope with the loss. I guess I never had as much as I thought I did...

Someone great wouldn't keep letting me down.

back again.
Feeling shit...
It's the christmas holidays, so I should be feeling fine really.
My boyfriend is rubbish...

If you could have a profile, a detailed profile, before you started dating, giving you an idea of what it'd be like to be with them, it'd be better. Then you'd know what you were getting yourself into.
My idea of a bestfriend, a real best friend, is someone who is cool with spending their down time with you. I'd be quite happy to spend my do nothing days just pissing about with him, but he'd rather be alone. He'd rather spend the day literally lying in bed doing nothing than hang out with me. And it's not just occasionally... I'm an evening girlfriend as he's too lazy to be up before 5... and getting up before then to hang out with me is just effort, who needs that?
So after two and a half years he wants to be as casual as if it was about 6 months. there is no moving forward...
Sometimes i wish i wasn't with him.
terrible huh?
He's lovely sometimes, there for me when he's there. But if he's not there then he's totally not there.

He lives up the road, and he won't come over when i tell him I'm lonely and he's doing nothing. He doesn't want to see me enough to bother getting clean, or to just see me as he is.
And he doesn't understand that when I say I'm lonely I need him to be there...

And now he wont answer my calls. He does this now when he thinks we're going to argue, he just wont answer.

I feel so depressed. I am going to die alone.
I will never have children
I will never be a good teacher
I will never really be a happy person.

I will push away every chance at happiness I ever get. Then I will fade into insignificance like the rest of mediocre humanity, because I will never really amount to anything.

And because of my career choice I will never be able to get any medical help with how depressed I feel, even though I will always suspect, because of my brother and sister, that really I could do with it, and perhaps things would seem easier if i had the right medication.
Perhaps everything would stop seeming like a collosal challenge or a huge big deal.

Anyway done with that huge negative spiralling buisness.

To summarise:
Nathan doesn't have the capacity to be a 'best friend' in the way i would define a best friend.

• someone you can talk to pretty much all the time so long as theyre not busy
• someone who if they find out you are sad will do quite a lot to try to help you if they can.

That's what I'm like for him. I make time for him wherever possible, and given the chance I'd always spend time with him rather than do something else.

BUT he doesn't feel that way about me. He loves me and would like to spend quite a lot of time with me, if he doesn't feel like lying in bed that day.

Sounds shit to me. This is probably just girls in general. We are dependant. Actually I'm being sexist. There's probably plenty of women out there who would read this and think i was kinda pathetic. Euch. An excuse: My life is pretty much in a state of constant turmoil because of my sister.

Two examples from today are: I woke up and could hear what sounded like police walkie talkies. My heart froze as I imagined two policemen in luminous yellow jackets sitting downstairs with my parents getting the details of why my sister was dead. My parents (in my waking nightmare) has decided not to wake me as why tell me this life destroying news earlier. I sound like I'm being ridicoulsly dramatic, but Sarah has said that she feels worse than she did before she took her overdose, that she would kill herself if it wasn't for the fact that mum would probably kill herself if sarah did, and that sometimes she doesn't really remember who she is (and so forgets the reason for not killing herself and is at great risk of doing so if not constantly surpervised. To illustrate this point, she sleeps in my mum's bed with her whilst my dad sleeps in her room. that's gotta be great for their marriage.).

Then after the carol service she went out in the snow early to 'play in the snow'. Basically a code for the fact that this social situation had gotten too much for her and she couldn't emotionally cope with staying in this room. Well probably, it's hard to tell with sarah, but if you assume that you all went somewhere and had a good time you generally find out later it was a pretty traumatic experience for her where the voice in her head ('she') was giving her hell and telling her to jump off buildings or hurt the people around her, so it's best to assume the worst. Then minutes later my mum, dad and i left the service also, basically because we were all too scared to leave her unsupervised. When we got to the carpark we couldn't find her for about a minute, which was scary. We then saw her walking towards this and I gave her a hug and felt like i was going to cry with relief, and I don't normally hug.

So to all the feminist women out there, this may have something to do with the fact that I wish I could depend on my boyfriend to be there for me more and come over when i say I'm feeling lonely.

But he is not the lifeline I'd like him to be, he's just a boy, and I have to find some other way to cope. Smoking helps...

It's liberating, I forget for a while that I'm connected to my family and I'm just some stupid teenager with no real responsibilities for anyone other than myself. Hence the attraction to moving out, tho of course without a giant student loan I can't afford to do this...but I'm still thinking it might be a good idea. Perhaps I will next year, at least to try it. Until then I'll try to make this situation work, and i do have a cushy deal here finacially, and I like my family.

I think my new years resolution should be to never text nathan first. Although perhaps that would be harsh... only text him first very occasionally. Although that's hard to quantify. Eh next year I'll be so busy worrying about my teaching placement I probably won't have time to need him.

I think it might be wrong to run away from your family just because theyre difficult. But then again all birds leave the nest at some point, why not a bit earlier. I could live with em! Nathan wouldn't really like that as he doesn't really like any of my friends but fuck him.

This blog will paint a poor picture of me, as i only write it when feeling crazy, then again no one is recieiving this impression so watev...



So...the last two nights i have cried myself to sleep. it sounds romantic...but it sucks really. At night everything seems darker (ha ha...). So i think things like...sarah won't ever get better... i'm an idiot for going to uni at home...and perhaps part of why was the boyfriend, who seems far away... and i feel panicked and cant quite breathe unless i sob...which was a problem last night as i slept over a friends, but i was quiet ha ha...eventually lay on my back with the tears and made myself just focus on my breathing. slow.



Yes actually writing helps... i probably have no real evidence to suggest the relationship is ending. It nearly did, a while ago. Him giving up...which will be the eventual end I'm quite sure. I saw him Monday (wed now) and we went to the cinema with his mum and brother. Before this i saw him sat and sunday evening for about two hours at a time, and before that not for three or four days. So it feels like i haven't seen a whole lot of him. seeing him every three or more days has become the norm. Which was his decision. He went from "I'd see you every day if I could" to "Need space." So the relationship feels like its going backwards. Backwards relationships are like benjamin button...
Anyway I had in my head that he would probably go out after, not spend the evening with me. This was the plan he'd had in mind...which upset me a ridiculous amount. He figured this out and didnt go out, however i was then convinced that he'd rather be out. This wasn't helped by the fact that he's not a naturally touchy person (with your girlfriend tho?? really is that ever natural?) so we sat for a few hours watching crappy tv with me sitting all closed up...no sulking just genuinly feeling hurt and worried. He didnt really seem to notice, seemed happy with the arrangement and there was no physical contact. No, are you okay...with a touch to show caring. When that came it was angry sounding (then again im a crazy person, so probably it just sounded normal) and then he did seem angry...because the answer, "i think you'd rather be out...I feel like its always me wanting to see you (basically i feel you are slipping away- this not said)" was a stupid answer. What a dumb reason to be upset. Why is it a big deal if I'm going out? good point.

But then I can't shake it. And i havent heard from him since. Each day when I go to bed with no text is for me evidence that he hasnt' thought of me that day, or has but didnt want contact. What else could it be? And each upsets me... the again perhaps it's totally normal not to think of your girlfriend in two days. I don't think so tho. I watch my friends, one is extreme, and has a constant text conversation with her boyfriend... full of affection most, "love you darling, goodnight." the other is my idea of normal. A few texts, a few i love yous.

I get fuck all, then I have nightmares.

Last nights was really disturbing. I cheated on him with some disgusting guy from work. Lke a propers relationship. then i remembered the rules of...being faithful lol. And panicked. Sent a text saying I've made a terrible mistake so I know you won't want me anymore. So I've felt disturbed all day.

He's even said he trusts me now. But he didnt for ages. I'd never done anything to provoke him not trusting me around guys... euch its fucked up.

I feel he doesnt respect me all that much. If i say something he thinks is wrong, he's so fucking condescending and it fucking hurts. his tone...or even words quite often, just say "You idiot." but not in a funny way...in a truly... full of disgust kind of way. And yet he's the one who didnt revise for his alevels...second time around...left it to chance again, head in the sand. I know he did a little, like the week before. Still stupid. Idiotic. I started revising about three months before...and I don't really think I did enough. Then again I'm more academic... and yet he makes me feel like an idiot.

I paint a picture of myself as being slow so that people will feel good about themselves around me and like me...but now they all seem to truly believe it.

I feel...rubbish...

Why do I feel rubbish?
I don't really have any valid reason for feeling rubbish...

Anyway

• My sister has an eating disorder... it doesnt actually directly affect me, and she's not suicidal, so I should really be thinking this is not so bad, and at least there's no danger of losing her. Although in my world that's probably not that true either... then again all the suicide attempts I've been... close to... have been unsucessful, so maybe I'm not afraid of them enough. I'm naive and think it's not a big deal because everyone fails. It's the bit after that sucks, the heartbreaking bit where you watch them not want to live, and actually wonder if you're being cruel keeping them here.
• Okay...so that's probably the big one...there's also the boyfriend ha ha... I'm far too dependant on him...I guess my expectations are too high, and I want him to fix me. Thats ridiculous of course, and I do know that... but I still feel hurt and abandoned when he doesnt text or want to see me. This is obviously crazy, and makes him want to see me less, so I feel more hurt...and angry actually, and he's just a boy, and it's so stupid. I saw him yesterday, can you believe. The way I'm talking you'd think it had been at least a week, two even. I need him to be there without me asking, and he isn't. He'll probably text me tomorrow at some point, and the day off away from the crazy girlfriend who makes him feel crap about himself will have done him some good...because he does love her really, he thinks, but she's so hard to be around, she just keeps crying. He doesn't understand it.
• Probably, the real reason, is that I'm just bored. I haven't left the houisr today, at all. I'm not actually a sad act. I've been accepted on a uni course, primary ed, because it seems fun, as jobs go...theyre probably mainly fairly rubbish, this one seems not...(I wouldn't want her teaching my kids!)...I also have a job... part time ha ha, in a coffee shop COSTAs, where I actually know how to make the coffee now, took me (Dec, Jan, Feb...) 3 months of floor clearing, and some till serving, now I feel less second class ha ha. I'm a coffee shop snob, if you cant make coffee you're a second class more disposable therefore less important employee! Poor Steve... Anyways... and I do some agency work, I'm doing some tomorrow in Braintree in a nursery. I am CRB checked, but I don't have a copy myself...hopefully they won't send me home, but if they do...well I know the way. So all that, and I volunteer in a school once a week, have some friends, am a completely bat shit crazy girlfriend, WOW addict (okay that one is sad.)...yeah, it all keeps me an acceptable level of busy.

It feels like it's the boyfriend thing though...I feel really hurt, that he hasn't text... it's been a day, and he's made no contact. That's stupid really isn't it... we've been seeing eachother a year and 8 months. I feel like that means I'm entitled to a text a day. Well, it wouldn't actually be asking to much, but its the crazy girlfriend, "you don't care", "do you actually love me?" stuff I attach to it, that means I can't actually ask. See I have brought it up before...text me more, ask to see me etc...but I always cry. It's not a big deal and it won't change.

I AM A CRAZY PERSON.

No, you are not, you are normal. You need to take responsibility for your irrational thoughts, do not blame them on, "the crazy". You need to try harder to stop them in their tracks. It is your responsibility to watch out for your own well being, YOU have to create your own happiness. Leave the poor boy alone.

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/crabs/ here you go look at this, tis very funny i think!

i have been looking at a lot of blogs, and the vast majority of them see pretty crap, a great one tho, is http://medialicious.blogspot.com/. well, i havent actually looked at it, bt the video that this link takes u too is absolutely bloody hilarious!